Today I joined a group on FB called "A Mother's Grief...Dealing with the loss of a child"
The feelings came rushing back after reading so many who have that "fresh" feeling. Oh, my heart is pouring out to them!
I realized how far I have come without you two here! My goodness, 20 yrs seems like forever but most days it is like yesterday! Here is what I wrote for these lovely mommas......May their hearts heal....
I guess you would call me, Mary, a seasoned survivor. I looked around at posts in this group and see so many of you who have lost in the most recent years/months/weeks/days. My heart hurts for you all!
I lost both my son Jeffrey and daughter Kaija at the same time to a drunk driver. I have no other kids. After 20 yrs I still have moments of crying, anger and such...but now I can ease my way through it by allowing myself the moment to grieve.
I felt compelled to share that you can live through this pain. Everybody grieves differently. Embrace the pain and healing will come before you know it. I proclaim their name always as they are with me. As time has passed I have told family members that they are still my children so bear with me. I found a code word for them to understand.."Wonky"..without having to go into a big explanation. They just know I am having a difficult time. Usually happens in the Spring (March 25, 1997-April 1, 1997) and in the fall (Month of November) and holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
Losing them changed me as a person forever! I was 26 yrs old when this happened.
You can survive this, grieve at your own pace and your way! Give yourself permission to deal with it your way, it really is ok! Know that the people you knew as your support system will grow tired of hearing it, your support system will change completely, you may lose friends, family, and acquaintances too. It is ok, remember everybody deals differently. Forgive and seek those you can relate too.
As concerning God or religion, I cursed Him for 10+ yrs....floundered around like a fish out of water. It is ok! I found He was still there when I decided to talk it out with Him. Try not to let the Anger eat you up. It will consume you!...Try to find your peace when you are ready. Much love and hugs to you all.
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3/6/16
Wow, crazy how time flies by! We are working on 19 yrs since you left! I am not sure if you can see me but I sure do feel your presence at times when I really need you! I know you and your grandpa comes back for visits on occasion. It does not go unnoticed!
I am doing well nowadays. I quit floundering around like a fish out of water, finally! People don't look at me with pity anymore. I stand on my own two feet pretty good most days. But when we roll around to this time of year, I tend to get those old feelings again. I am just better at hiding them than I once did.
You two, being my only children I cannot help but wonder where we would all be in our lives. And I guess I will just have to keep wondering, alone.
Someday we will be back together! Mommy loves you so much and my heart still aches for the day when I will get to put my loving arms around you and hear those sweet words come from your little lips!
Please keep taking care of each other....I love you! Momma
*******************************************************************************
12/23/14
So miss you both..I have images of you, Kaija sitting under the tree with your pillow and blanket with plans of camping out to guard your presents and you Jeffrey doing the same thing. I can hear you saying I am not leaving them all by themselves..don't want Bubba to get mine.
Oh the holidays are a difficult one for me but I have learned to shut it out when I have to. This is my 17th Christmas without you both. I so wish you are here physically so I could hold ya just one more time! I write with tears in my eyes missing you this holiday. I know you both are doing well but I can't help it I am your momma! I love you with all my heart!!
**********************************************************************************************
Hey Kids, 3/5/2014
Oh, I guess I still call ya that even though by now you both would be adults by societies standards. Jeffrey, you would be probably somewhere around 6 ft tall and look like your dad every day. Maybe you would be engaged to be married or already married who knows college still trying to be a doctor or maybe a computer technician. At 24 yrs of age who knows what you would have been. Maybe I would be a grandma by now and your children would come over and play and I would let them get away with things I never let you or your sister. Would you be a truck driver like your grandpa and your momma? Drive firetrucks like you dreamed as a child? Would you be the quite one still or would you be outspoken like your momma?
Kaija at 22, I can only imagine what kind of trouble you would have brought me. You with your strong will and stubbornness that I can only understand as you were so much like me. Would you have settled down and found a nice man to marry or would you have stayed single? Grandbabies or not? Would you have become an attorney or would you have traveled the world? I so miss my little girl that always told me "I do it myself, momma". I just know you would have grown into a beautiful "tomgirl" that would have made the boys blush!
It has been 17 yrs since "that man" took you from me and I find myself wondering every year what your lives would have been like? Or what mine would have been like? It is so different now than I ever thought it would be.....not complaining just missing you both. As your "Anniversary" comes up (Mar 25th, 1997) I find myself reflecting back on the good memories of you both trying to keep the ugly ones at bay. My heart yearns for the day when we will all be back together in a more peaceful, quiet and happy place.
I love you both so so much...round the world and back again! Muuuaaahhh and tons of hugs.....
Momma
The feelings came rushing back after reading so many who have that "fresh" feeling. Oh, my heart is pouring out to them!
I realized how far I have come without you two here! My goodness, 20 yrs seems like forever but most days it is like yesterday! Here is what I wrote for these lovely mommas......May their hearts heal....
I guess you would call me, Mary, a seasoned survivor. I looked around at posts in this group and see so many of you who have lost in the most recent years/months/weeks/days. My heart hurts for you all!
I lost both my son Jeffrey and daughter Kaija at the same time to a drunk driver. I have no other kids. After 20 yrs I still have moments of crying, anger and such...but now I can ease my way through it by allowing myself the moment to grieve.
I felt compelled to share that you can live through this pain. Everybody grieves differently. Embrace the pain and healing will come before you know it. I proclaim their name always as they are with me. As time has passed I have told family members that they are still my children so bear with me. I found a code word for them to understand.."Wonky"..without having to go into a big explanation. They just know I am having a difficult time. Usually happens in the Spring (March 25, 1997-April 1, 1997) and in the fall (Month of November) and holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
Losing them changed me as a person forever! I was 26 yrs old when this happened.
You can survive this, grieve at your own pace and your way! Give yourself permission to deal with it your way, it really is ok! Know that the people you knew as your support system will grow tired of hearing it, your support system will change completely, you may lose friends, family, and acquaintances too. It is ok, remember everybody deals differently. Forgive and seek those you can relate too.
As concerning God or religion, I cursed Him for 10+ yrs....floundered around like a fish out of water. It is ok! I found He was still there when I decided to talk it out with Him. Try not to let the Anger eat you up. It will consume you!...Try to find your peace when you are ready. Much love and hugs to you all.
********************************************************************************
3/6/16
Wow, crazy how time flies by! We are working on 19 yrs since you left! I am not sure if you can see me but I sure do feel your presence at times when I really need you! I know you and your grandpa comes back for visits on occasion. It does not go unnoticed!
I am doing well nowadays. I quit floundering around like a fish out of water, finally! People don't look at me with pity anymore. I stand on my own two feet pretty good most days. But when we roll around to this time of year, I tend to get those old feelings again. I am just better at hiding them than I once did.
You two, being my only children I cannot help but wonder where we would all be in our lives. And I guess I will just have to keep wondering, alone.
Someday we will be back together! Mommy loves you so much and my heart still aches for the day when I will get to put my loving arms around you and hear those sweet words come from your little lips!
Please keep taking care of each other....I love you! Momma
*******************************************************************************
12/23/14
So miss you both..I have images of you, Kaija sitting under the tree with your pillow and blanket with plans of camping out to guard your presents and you Jeffrey doing the same thing. I can hear you saying I am not leaving them all by themselves..don't want Bubba to get mine.
Oh the holidays are a difficult one for me but I have learned to shut it out when I have to. This is my 17th Christmas without you both. I so wish you are here physically so I could hold ya just one more time! I write with tears in my eyes missing you this holiday. I know you both are doing well but I can't help it I am your momma! I love you with all my heart!!
**********************************************************************************************
Hey Kids, 3/5/2014
Oh, I guess I still call ya that even though by now you both would be adults by societies standards. Jeffrey, you would be probably somewhere around 6 ft tall and look like your dad every day. Maybe you would be engaged to be married or already married who knows college still trying to be a doctor or maybe a computer technician. At 24 yrs of age who knows what you would have been. Maybe I would be a grandma by now and your children would come over and play and I would let them get away with things I never let you or your sister. Would you be a truck driver like your grandpa and your momma? Drive firetrucks like you dreamed as a child? Would you be the quite one still or would you be outspoken like your momma?
Kaija at 22, I can only imagine what kind of trouble you would have brought me. You with your strong will and stubbornness that I can only understand as you were so much like me. Would you have settled down and found a nice man to marry or would you have stayed single? Grandbabies or not? Would you have become an attorney or would you have traveled the world? I so miss my little girl that always told me "I do it myself, momma". I just know you would have grown into a beautiful "tomgirl" that would have made the boys blush!
It has been 17 yrs since "that man" took you from me and I find myself wondering every year what your lives would have been like? Or what mine would have been like? It is so different now than I ever thought it would be.....not complaining just missing you both. As your "Anniversary" comes up (Mar 25th, 1997) I find myself reflecting back on the good memories of you both trying to keep the ugly ones at bay. My heart yearns for the day when we will all be back together in a more peaceful, quiet and happy place.
I love you both so so much...round the world and back again! Muuuaaahhh and tons of hugs.....
Momma
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